The Beginning… The Best and Worst Vacation Places On Earth

The first few times I met my future in-laws, they were kind to me. Welcoming, even. Curious about me. The first few times I met them, I would even say it was pleasant. Normal.

It wasn’t until our fourth meeting that I they started “teaching” me. The beginning.

We went to visit them in their very small, rural town in Missouri. It was March and beautiful outside. The best part was we were one week away from our first vacation together. We were going to fly to Cancun, Mexico for a week of sun, booze and pre-marital sex. We were excited and my in-laws read the excitement on our faces.

Gramma and Grampa¬†[incorrect spelling intentional] were the ones brave enough to ask in their southern drawl, “Y’all look happ-y! You got big plans?”

My (black sheep of the family) husband says, “You bet Gramma! Jess and I are heading south for spring break!”

Gramma’s eyes lit up like a little kid’s first glimpse of a Christmas tree overflowing with presents just for her. “Y”all are goin’ to Dollywood???” she asked excitedly, tinged with just a bit of jealousy.

Oh Gramma, you are soooo funny, I thought to myself! Dollywood! Yeah, right! My eyes rolled and my smile widened at her hilarity.

But she wasn’t kidding. She. Was. Serious.

Fuck.

My husband gently swooped in and extinguished the light in her eyes when he told her, “No, Gramma, we are heading a little further south. We are going to Cancun, Mexico for a week!”

As soon as the word ‘Mexico’ exited his lips, the room silenced like a church filled with Catholic priests talking about altar boy abuse. You could have heard a pin drop.

At that moment, Grampa scooted in really close to us and with a grim look on his face, informed us,”Well y’all better be a careful down there in Mexico.They have shoot-em-ups and put their women and chillen up fer show!”

I think Gramma and Grampa have been watching too many spaghetti westerns, circa the 1930’s.

Not only do they still believe spaghetti westerns were non-fiction, but I am pretty sure they believe the creature on the left is actually a *horse*...

Not only do they still believe spaghetti westerns are non-fiction, but I am pretty sure they believe the creature on the left is actually a horse…

photo credit: JonDissed via photopin cc

I didn’t have the heart to tell them that Cancun, Mexico, is now more civilized and has better running water than their very small town.

We should have run when we had the chance.

What shit has my in-laws taught me this time? Dollywood (and anything related to Dolly Parton) and antiquated ideas – 1; Cancun, spring break and fun – 0.

Seriously, I cannot make this shit up, because I am not that funny.

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